That’s Bernadette and Kim!
Well, not really {see below}. I attended my cousin Bernie’s wedding in July. I haven’t written about it because I’ve been struggling with how to get my point across. My point being that this wedding—this gay wedding—was completely and utterly normal! It was my first gay wedding. I did attend a commitment ceremony many years ago when I couldn’t fathom that gay marriage would ever be legal, but this was my first gay wedding since it became legal for same-sex couples to marry in Maryland.
Bernie and Kim have been together for 10 years. They are raising two delightful children together, and like most of us, are struggling with day to day issues like carpooling to lacrosse, and managing the calendar of two active kids between two working parents. And like many of us (if we are lucky) they find their faith in God and their love for each other keeps them grounded and sane in all of this.
From what I see, they are more like me and my husband than some heterosexual couples: faith-filled, Catholic, funny, struggling, loyal, and committed. I will admit that I am quite liberal on the topic of gay marriage, but I was liberal from afar on most days.
Although I have gay friends and acquaintances, and have throughout my life, I’ve had to admit I still saw them as different. (Note the past tense here). I’ve even had “best friends” that were gay; I’m talking BEST FRIENDS —through think and thin—in an adult, mature way, not some BFF Facebook status. Although I was always accepting and loving, I was also curious. Curious in a way that says: other. Meaning, I still held them apart from me , like something cool and different. Even though I sometimes held them in esteem for being cool and different, I still can’t deny that I saw them as different.
The world has changed; I have changed, thank God.
I feel that sometimes when we meet a gay person, the first thing we see is sex. I mean when you identify people by their sexual orientation it kind of calls to mind the “act of.” So when we meet gay couples the first place we go to is who they are sleeping with, but I’m not sure that happens when we meet heterosexual couples. In fact, it is usually the last thing we think about or care about.
I feel privileged to have been invited to Kim and Bernie’s wedding, to witness their boundless love for each other, and their loving, supportive friends and family. It also added perspective on some of my past feelings. It made me realize that although I have always been loving and accepting, I still didn’t see gay couples as just like me. One person at the wedding especially helped open my eyes to this. My long-time partner and soulmate husband of 20 years was picking up our oldest daughter at the airport, so I took my 14-year-old daughter as my “plus one.” Seeing this wedding—this relationship—through her eyes taught me so much, and gave me such hope.
I am prone to tears!
I love weddings and cry often at them. But at this wedding I wasn’t only crying for the joyous moment of marriage, but also for momentous occasion of gay marriage being legal, and the fact that the State was finally recognizing this already sacred union. But my 14-year-old, she just saw a wedding. Not a gay wedding or a straight wedding {God, I hate those terms!}. Or maybe she did see the gay wedding, but it didn’t feel different to her. It seemed normal to her; she loved it. She danced. She loved watching the couple’s dance; she loved “ewwing” and “ahhhing” over the cutely dressed children; she loved the cake, the food, and the rituals.
Until I attended this wedding, I thought that folks against gay marriage have a right to their opinion.
I still do, but I don’t quite understand their opinion anymore. I’m not angry with them; I feel sorry for them. I am assuming that anyone who doesn’t approve of gay marriage has never met Bernie and Kim, because they are the epitome of a healthy “American Dream” marriage. Better than most. They attend Catholic Church weekly; they own a home on the water; they have a beautiful son and daughter; they both have professional jobs, and they still find time to laugh and dance together.
As far as I can see, Kim and Bernie live the Gospels and follow Jesus. They live it out loud:
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. ~ John 13:34-35 (NIV)
This reading seemed completely apropos at their ceremony; it’s the same one we used at our wedding. Perhaps it is the one you used at your wedding. Isn’t it what we all want for ourselves and all couples joined in love and faith? I am grateful to remain teachable; I believe that we are all teachable, and that we can learn a lot from Bernie and Kim and the countless other couples just like them. . .and just like me. . .and just like you!
